Monday, January 2, 2012

Well Hellller There.. A note from "The Blobette"

So, I'm just going to jump right in here with this thing and say one thing. Hello, my name is Ashley & I'm fat. Wooooosh, blew your mind there didn't I? I mean, it's not like it's not painfully obvious from any photographs you may see of me.. but contrary to popular belief, it's true. I. am. a fat girl. I'm not just one of those fat girls who has a little extra pounds hanging off of her bikini.. ooooh no, I'm a moo moo wearin', sweat pant needin', winded going to the mailbox, snoring in my sleep, flab on the abs kinda fat girl.

First thing's first.

(I said that in one of those Disney villan voices, just FYI.)

So.. this blog is now born & it's actually going to be a joint effort. You shall meet my frand soon enough. Boobzilla will be making her own post about her feelings on this whole thing.. but until then, you have me. Lucky, lucky you.

There's no shame in my game, so clearly you already know my name.. but if you choose.. we each have our own fat girl identities. I.. I am the Blobette. She, clearly, will be recognized as Boobzilla. Yeah.

Oh.. and before you go on a rampage telling me that calling myself names is some morbid form of self hate. Let me tell ya something missy; I've been fat. I'm down with it.. and until recently, I embraced it. I really wouldn't have a problem with it if I weren't horribly unhealthy really. You can werk it (you know.. werking it is WAY more work than just simply WORKING it) and be a big girl. Big girl say whaaa?

So anyway, here's this blog.. and it's going to be a sort of weight loss journey. I started today. Notice that today is actually the 2nd (possibly the 3rd before this is posted) of Jan. It's important that you understand that this is not a New Year's Resolution. Crap, speaking of that.. I kinda forgot it happened. I'm pretty sure I was in some imaginary world of Jedi & such when the New Year rang in.. but it's all good in the fat girl hood.. because 2012 is here and I'm going to show it just what is up.

This isn't a journey that I'm doing alone per say. I have a buddy who is going to be coming together with me on this. I've already told you that.. but I do want you to understand something. We're starting it together and if all goes as planned, we're finishing it together. This though, doesn't mean that it can't feel lonely. I stress that I have this buddy.. but please understand that I have to lose her ENTIRE body.. while she has to only lose my leg's worth of weight. It's going to be tough for the both of us, and in our own rights we will have a hard time adjusting to what we have to do. We live a certain way, and now that's going to have to change.

I think all weight loss is a personal thing, and I don't think there is one thing that is key in the loss of an entire human body's worth of fat.. and I really have no freaking clue what I'm doing. I'm taking it one day at a time, and I don't expect immediate results.

Well, what exactly IS my plan you ask?
Heck if me and you know.

I do have some "goals".. so let's start there.

For the next two weeks, I'm doing at least 15 minutes of workout a day. I don't have a gym membership because I'm broke. I can't really leave my house.. so my lovely little living room shall become our Gym of all things Fantastic.
Yeah.. so it should be cleaned a bit.. but the cleaner in the background (all natural, baby!) should be proof enough that I put forth an effort from time to time. Also, I am aware that my child's bedhead is the most amazing thing you have probably ever seen in your entire life. Try to not envy our elite hair-didin' skills too much.

Anyway, back to the moral of the story. I have a lot of weight to lose and we're using my living room sans the Star Wars game on the floor as our gym.

We dove right in tonight with one of her Dancing with the Stars DVDs. First-- I respect the way they were made. I am pleased to see a workout DVD that doesn't spend 50 hours teaching you the same ball change step over and over (I have a background in dance, but that was 200lbs ago).. but.. as previously mentioned. I. AM. FAT. Hoooolllllly chocolate bars. That chick just went "OK here's your step, now GO". Whew! We went for about 15 minutes, but I must admit that about 10 minutes into it my ball changes were more like changes and my kicks were more like squishing bugs.. but.. I kept moving. I think that's the most important part at first, always keep moving.

So.. our plan is continue this routine all week until we can go the whole 15 minutes without dying-- but the turns, forget the turns.. no turns.

Also, you can't see it from the photo, but my foot met my tiny little coffee table many times tonight. 'Twas pure entertainment.

Well.. now that you know a bit about what this is going to be about.. I'm going to give you the cold, hard facts. I'm going to give you my starting weight. I am doing this on faith, and the fact that I have one hellova personality to make up for my lardness. You won't judge me for it, because this is a weight loss blog-- and if you judge me, kittens will get microwaved by evil monkeys. Yep.

So..... drumroll please...........

I am currently 320 lbs of pure excitement and divaliciousness. She's under there, those are just my workout clothes-- because, while I'm a diva.. I'm not going to ruin my best sequined top and makeup job on sweat and injury. I have some other shots, but they are more for final reference.

We took measurements, and while I'm pretty secure with myself.. I'm not quite there to be honest. That's part of what this is about. I know eventually I'll put them up for all the world (or us?) to see.. but for now they will remain a seeeeecret. Muahahahaha (evil laugh?).


Rock on & Stay Tuned.

The Blobette, Out. xoxo

1 comment:

  1. Cheering section from California all revved up and ready to roll!!